Meditation Course Vipasana Diary

Day before day 1 – We arrived at the centre in the afternoon and were allowed a few hours to register, find our rooms and settle in. Soup was served at 5.30pm after which point the boys and girls were separated by a great big plastic sheet. Apart from segregation of males and females, we were also forbidden to communicate in any manner with other students in the course. We were each given a number which designated where we were to sit for the 10 days within the meditation hall. I was at the back (46), with a good scanning position of the room, unfortunately with no wall which I was to find, would have made life a lot easier! But easy is not the point of meditation… Agus sat on the other side of the hall, the men’s side. This is the first time we’ve been separated in the four months we’ve been travelling together. It will be strange but good for both of us I think. We listened to a tape that night (like we would be doing every night for an hour) by a meditation master called Goenka, an Indian guru who has propagated Vipasana meditation throughout the world (the meditation that Buddha practiced), describing the technique we were to practice – focusing our minds on our breathing. I was in bed by 9:15pm.

Day 1 – Woken up by a tingling bell at 4:00am, I additionally had the pleasure of waking up with a Bali belly again, this time with the taste of rotten eggs in my mouth that kept on ‘popping up!’, also known as Giardia. No help came from the supervisor, taking the opinion that it states in the course guidelines that we should be in good health before we come to the course – fair enough, although a bit of compassion wouldn’t go astray! One of the women in my room (a psychologist) can’t handle not talking and every opportunity she has, she lets off a few words at anyone who dares to listen. Am slightly getting annoyed by her.

Day 2 – Woke up in the middle of the night again by the sound of buzzing mosquitoes around my head. I keep on shutting the windows when night falls but the psychologist keeps on opening them. We’ve left the window’s open as it can get stuffy at night but I’d rather be a little hot than attacked by mosquitoes every night. Started to eat today after feeling weak from not eating yesterday. Meditation is hard work. So many thoughts going through my head and my mind seeming to do everything but concentrate on my breath. It seems to have a mind of its own. Oh, but the food is awesome, opposite to my preconceptions; vegetarian, good variety and real tasty (lots of quinoa, a traditional grain from Peru and the Incas). Shame about the supper though, our last ‘meal’ for the day only consists of two pieces of fruit and I’m damn hungry!

Day 3 – We’re told to focus our attention on any sensations that appear around out nostrils. I am able to do it but the sensations are limited and my mind is quickly distracted. On another note, was almost kicked out of the meditation course today…! Was called into the principles offi… I mean, to see the teacher during question time. I thought it was to see how I was doing but instead it was to give me a lecture. First he told me that there was nothing that they could do or give me for being sick at which point he asked if I was well enough to continue the course. Then he rambled on in a shrewd manner about having to live in circumstances that are a little basic for ‘us’ westerners (he’s from Texas, not your typical guru!) and that we need to be ready to compromise. I wasn’t sure why he was saying all of this so I asked if there had been a complaint placed against me and he responded that there had been; one of the girls in my room (the psychologist) complained about me shutting the windows at night. I got angry and said that this wasn’t the way to deal with the situation by accusing and attacking me without previous consultation of my side to the story. I left feeling as if my meditation course had been tarnished and that the teacher was not as wise or noble as I expected. He’d pulled out the western comforts card when he didn’t know anything about me and how /what I was use to. Maybe I did need to see the other point of view but there was no need to say “if you don’t think that you can be tolerant and compassionate to others, then maybe this is not the place for you…”. My initial instincts were to leave, but I thought better and decided to swallow my pride and stay on. I changed rooms that afternoon, to a room with two girls instead of three women. They seem more light-hearted and I like the vibe better already. The mosquito problem hasn’t changed as I’ve been told that I can’t close the windows, as one of the girls is pregnant.

Day 4 – Today is the big day where we learn the actual Vipasana meditation – what we came here to learn and have being preparing for over the last three days. We’re now told to focus our attention on sensations from head-to-toe and continually doing rounds trying to feel the subtlest sensations. We’re also told not to associate any emotion to the sensation whether it be e.g. pain or pleasure, we are to feel total equanimity for all sensations. We are also told that the law of nature is that everything is impermanent including sensations (this is called anicca in pali language); they come and go. The meditation is seen as a method to liberate us of our sankharas (conditioning of the mind/impurities of the mind). These are divided into two categories: aversion and craving. By not reacting to our sensations we are subconsciously dissolving our sankharas. So we are now made to sit for an hour three times a day without moving and holding our eyes shut for the entire time. The first hour in the morning is bearable but the last hour of the day is very uncomfortable; your back hurts, your legs hurt, even your eyes start to heart from being forced shut for so long. We are told that pain is all in the mind. If you start to analyse the pain it will start to lessen and then disappear especially if you don’t associate negativeness towards it. As I’ve heard before, Goenka tonight stated that the ‘I’ is a made up person, a person who we have created in our minds who is this or that person and has so and so likes and dislikes… and gets offended when people say things against this ‘I’ (ego) but in fact, ‘I’ is a person that we have created in our minds. We also make up stories about the people around us, which aren’t the truth, but we believe the story and invest a lot of time in developing the story, in proving ourselves right in our story.

Day 5 – Last night I had what comes under the name of explosive diarrhea, frequenting the bathroom several times before falling exhaustively to sleep. I got up at 4:00am as usual but this time, decided that there was no point trying to meditate and went straight back to bed sleeping until after breakfast (so sweet!). I wasn’t sure if I could last till day 10 feeling like I did but now I feel better and think I can make it. I’m willing the days on though, which I don’t think is a good thing; I’m meant to be enjoying this time of reflection but being sick doesn’t help especially when I have no one to speak to and no one to give me compassion. ☹

Day 6 – The ground beneath us started to shudder at 3:30am in the morning, waking everyone up. I was dreaming of a train approaching a platform at the time and thought the earthquake was the train rattling the ground I was standing on. The tremor passed in 10 seconds and chatter could be heard throughout all of the rooms as people shared their emotions. Today, all I can think about is food. As I try to focus on the sensations in my body, images of food pop into my head, things that I haven’t eaten for ages I am now craving. It makes it hard to concentrate. During break times, everyone sits in the small oasis of 20 square metres of grass and enjoys the sun that shines upon us. We must have an appearance of mental patients, all sitting relatively close but separately to each other, not talking, off in our own worlds staring at a blade of grass or into space with a gaze of admiration. Goenka on the tapes says that we are performing surgery on our minds during these 10 days, the figure of speech being quite appropriate therefore.

Day 7 – Today I seem to be able to focus my mind better and am able to feel a lot of vibrations and tingling throughout my body. The images of food have diminished and instead, in my lapses of concentration, I have relinquished to think of all my friends and family. I go over each person in great detail and think about particular times and experiences that have occurred. Now you know why your ears have been burning! I have also forgiven the psychologist for what has occurred and see that she didn’t mean any harm by what she did and that it’s her nature; she’s like a child who wants it all right now, her way. The supervisor has once again told me off for smiling at another girl who was mumbling something to me. I’m not sure if all the supervisors are like this in each meditation course but I believe that she’s being overly strict for supervising a meditation course. I feel that I am being treated as a school kid, unable to think or decide anything for myself. We are all adults, here on our own accord, let people breath and enjoy the time, otherwise meditation will be seen as a chore. The teacher and supervisor look onto the meditation hall with scrupulous eyes, checking to see if all students are present and in their designated spots. If you’re not, the supervisor goes to look for you or tells you to move back to your spot, away from the comfortable wall you have escaped to. We all walk like zombies towards the food hall, waiting for the gong to call us in, praying for the gong to sound, urging it to, craving it to... “we want food”, everyone silently shouts. Food is a welcome pause to the 12 hour meditation day. In the morning we listen to half an hour of singing by Goenka. It’s calming and tranquil to listen to. Later, I will the hour of meditation on. An hour can sometimes seem like a lifetime. I reach 45 mins and it starts to become unbearable. I will the 5 mins of singing to start which means the termination of the hour.

Day 8 – I’m feeling much better now. Am eating fine, am hungry and the egg burps seem to be a thing of the past! Tonight the teacher played a game of cat and mouse, poking his head through one of the doors leading onto the hall and two seconds later, out the other door on the other side which provoked stifles of laughter from a few of us who watched the proceedings, making me think of Manuel from ‘fawlty towers’. It felt great to laugh again after being buried so far in my thoughts. I treated a girl for diarrhea today and it worked, thanks to my homeopathic pack! Tonight we were given a new task of meditating constantly till day 10, even while we’re walking or in the bathroom, to always be conscious of what we’re doing and being in the present, observing the sensations even while we’re about to go to sleep! I went to see the teacher to see if he could enlighten me a little upon a few philosophical matters!: Are our sankharas meant to just disappear through doing meditation? Are all feelings and emotions meant to subdue through meditating? There’s a fine line between liking and wanting or craving. Is it wrong to like something and want to enjoy it? He wasn’t able to answer any of my questions, as they’re philosophical rather than technique specific and instead, he said could be asked on day 10. He didn’t seem like such a bad person up close again. I’m going through a moment where I feel that the technique is taking shape and becoming more and more understandable. I’ve even forgiven the supervisor for acting the way she did, she didn’t know any better. I feel like I have let go of resentment, something I often do when someone acts ‘negatively’ towards me. I can forgive them and know that they’re doing their best and move on.

Day 9 – Today is the last day of ‘noble silence’ and they say, the last day for serious meditation. I had an awesome session this morning in the 1st group meditation. I didn’t move for the entire hour and I concentrated hard and felt many buzzing, tingling and fluid sensations. This afternoon was a little harder. I always seem to struggle in the arvos, lots of thoughts entering my mind and I’m distracted easily. The philosophy of the meditation has been preoccupying my thoughts a lot. I’m really unsure how we’re meant to combat negativity sometimes. I don’t know what to tell myself to change the negative to positive, while believing what I’m saying.

Day 10 – We were allowed to talk today after learning metta, a short 5 minute meditation where we focus our energy on sending positive energy out to other people. Speaking again was strange. It felt unusual and a hard act to complete. The hum of noise that was created by people chatting, was almost too much to take. When meeting the girls from my room we exchanged warm hugs and finally presented ourselves after so long of living with each other and not knowing each others names. Later, I sat in a peaceful part of the centre with Agustin and we shared our impressions and accounts of the course while feeling excited about being with each other again. There wasn’t any moment to ask questions about the philosophy but talking to a few people put some doubts behind me. I felt peaceful and content and happy to be alive and in the present moment.

Upon release from the meditation course, I felt bedazzled and dazed by the outside world, unable to cope well to the traffic and chaotic driving, the copious lights that make up the cityscape and the noise that comes with 9 million people. We had luck on our side, not knowing where to go after the course, one of the organisers (Santiago) invited us back to his place even though he knew that his flatmates would get annoyed with us staying there. It was a peaceful and comfortable house in a rich area of Lima by the sea. Living with someone who knew what we had just been through and could understand our disorientation helped a lot in these initial days. Santiago, an adorable and amusing personality (who had once been a character on a tele novela, a soap opera), full of passion for life and a childish hunger for involving himself to the fullest capacity. He was always ready with an amusing and entertaining story to share and generous with everything he owns. One of the girls on the meditation, Veronica, had just learnt to drive and took us on a drive around the coast of Lima. It was a spine-tingling affair, driving with crazy Lima drivers while Vero did her own thing and amused everyone who was back-seat driving. On one of our nights there, we met up with a group from the meditation to celebrate Almendra’s birthday, one of the girls in my second room. It was nice to feel as if we had a group of friends after so many months of speedy encounters and sometimes, superficial interactions with people.